the hip-hop jawn...

this one's for ej

...yeah, I also used to love her...
"I met this girl, when I was ten years old
And what I loved most she had so much soul
She was old school, when I was just a shorty
Never knew throughout my life she would be there for me..."
but nah, we not gon do that again...Sanaa did it so well, there's no reason to revisit that (y'all know that's my favorite movie of all time)...

so, in honor of me reinstating my hip-hop card, my tribute...

when did I fall in love with hip-hop? When I was 11 years old, and a white girl listening to Peter Frampton, and lusting after Sean Cassidy. My cousins moved into my neighborhood, and took on the mission of remaking me into my black image. So, we found ourselves, Juneteenth, 1977, at a street party at Humboldt Park, facing two sets of mammoth speakers, two turntables, the mixer and One DJ. Before I even realized what was about to happen, sound came blasting outta those speakers, pushing my wig back, like no sounds I'd ever heard before...

the drumline first:: ba-da-doomp-doomp-doomp....doomp-da-doomp-doomp-doomp-doomp-doomp-doomp-du...doomp...doomp...doomp...doomp-da-doomp-doomp-doomp-doomp-doomp-doomp...

then the lyrics..."Good times, these are the good times.....leave your cares be-hind..."

da hell? my brain was w-i-d-e-open, and the beat so infectious, I couldn't help attempt to dance, although my cousins had to school me on the NY Freak, since (being a white girl) I had no rhythm to speak of. Not for long, because we spent the whole summer working it out, ok? Street parties, 2 turntables, and the DJ (this was before there was a need for MC's). Oh yeah - and the beat...

the same beat, that would make ya nod ya head, involuntarily. With the first few bars of Jeru tha Damaja's "Come Clean", Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones", ODB's "Brooklyn Zoo", Wu-Tang Clan's "M.E.T.H.O.D. Man", Biggie's "Party & Bullshyt"...I mean, I can go on, but that feeling? Nothing even approaches it. The head nods before the body is even fully aware of it, before the lyrics are recognized, before any of this registers in your consciousness. The head nods, and you know...you know that this record? Classic - that's what hip-hop is to me, and that's why I fell in love with it. Can't sleep on the lyrics, but that's icing & creme filling in the cake...and

wait, I can't front....there have been lyrics that have made me howl like a banshee, that "OOOooooo-weeeee" 'cause what he just said is so f%^&$in' nasty...stop playin...
"Number four: know you heard this before
Never get high, on your own supply
Number five: never sell no crack where you rest at
I don't care if they want a ounce, tell em bounce
Number six: that god damn credit, dead it
You think a crackhead payin you back, shit forget it..."

okokok, we can debate who was the nastiest, but still...the lyrics were hot, but they always followed the beat...

I haven't felt like that in years - literally probably since the Fugees dropped "The Score", another classic if only for "Ready or Not", but also the beginning of my Neo-Soul Era. I lost my ear for "rap" and gained it for Erykah, Jilly, D'Angelo, Lauryn, Bilal, The Roots, Common, Mos Def - all still "hip-hop", but also jazz, & R&B, & rock but not the strictest definition of rap...I stopped listening to the lyrics & the beat, and fell in love with the voices, & the music, the Earl Klugh samples, the Jessica Care Moore spoken words...hell, I gladly turned in my hip-hop fan card, stopped playing "Name that Sample", and openly showed my disdain for the "Bling-Bling" phase of the game...Lil Wayne, Master P, Cash Money Click, Ja Rule...all y'all can pucker up & kiss my...I was done....

...until I heard the words...
"I gotta hunnert gunz, a hunnert clips....n*%%# I'm from New Yawk...."

me, my brain sprung on hip-hop:: da Hell? Noooooo, not Ja, freaking that beat...nooooo...wait, that shyt is nasty....and ay-yo, the lyrics are kinda nasty too...oh daaaammmmnnnn, Fat Joe did not just say "n*%%#'s think he picked up Biggie's found Big Pun's Rhyme book"..lmao. Oh wait - Jada? On some ole "f&*% what ya thought"? Stop playin - I gotta get dat....

These same blingy-fuckas got me w-i-d-e open again. Fabolous' "Breathe", Ja Rule's "New York", Snoop's "Drop it Like It's Hot", even (dare I say it) Ashanti's "Only You" (I'm real serious here when I say the production on that joint is ridiculous - Ashanti could be singing "I eat shyt" off-key over that track, and I'd still be howling "OOOoooooo-weeeeee".

I'm snatching my hip-hop card back - yo, gimme that shyt. It ain't over, fuckas....
"I burned these hot new tracks & shyt, nigga I'm from New York....."

ETA:: Damn, I just got the friggin hip-hop card back - I'mma get that bitch revoked f&*$in up Fat Joe's lyrics like that, sheesh...

the long weekend baker's dozen

I'm putting it in early y'all - you know anytime there's a holiday, the Monday workday ends up being dumb long...


from l to r:: C.H.A.D., Hammy, the Truth, the Chaos (on the floor), "E" and lil ole me in pink. Yes, my camera is bootleg, and the pic is blurry - I know.

the long weekend baker's dozen - from KB's Baker's Dozen

1. Wednesday - The gig gives us a "Get Outta Jail Early" card, so I'm home before sunset - sweet.


2. Turkey day at Chaos & Truth's house:: After a hard day of protest marching, the Chaos still pulled the meal off, and it was banging. More importantly, I got a chance to hang with her new fam - her SO (the Truth), his bro (C.H.A.D.), my best friend E, and my son Hammy (all names have been changed to protect the guilty).


3. the Black Friday shopping trip:: yes, Virginia, I did do a lil shopping. We went to the N. GA premium outlets, and I got some hot Pumas ;-) Ok, so I spent all my $ on me & Hammy...i still gotta few weeks before X-mas...


4. We, meaning E & myself went shopping, and politicking along the way....


5. Was Bill Cosby right?:: just one of the topics at hand, along with the state of the African-american community, what we need to do to move forward, dating in the 2000's, marriage as a viable way to rebuild the community, the influence that the freelove 60's, swinging 70's, the crack game, Reagonomics, and the current politricks have had on the current state of the community; you get the drift. Food for thought indeed.


6. The preliminary house hunt:: Fee (ex-coworker) hipped me to some new development, so I rolled through - not bad.


7. The REAL house hunt:: The realtor & I got together Saturday, and the real hunt began. I've gotta list the pros & cons & decide what I really want. See, right now I'm not willing to trade off my bedroom fireplace for a deck, soooo...


8. the dating jawn preview:: Update my onling profiles, and I'm getting hit on by brothas e'erywhere - including Nigeria? Glad they appreciate me, but I need some luvin here in the US, preferably in GA...can u say frequent flier miles? Why I gotta click with brothers anywhere BUT here...?


9. The All-day Sucka:: a paper that it literally took me all day to write. Just finished it about an hour ago, and I don't wanna think about it anymore...wait, what d'ya mean I gotta edit it...?


10. JC, the remixx:: so, I cook a post-Thanksgiving meal, and take half to E. No sooner should I walk in the door, then JC calls, and tries to clown me. Only shiesty brothers try to attack male best friends...


11. The Wire:: is it the jump off? nah, not yet, but soon...


12. I reinstate my hip-hop card:: more on that later. Quick & dirty - I miss Northern music AND Northern men

The Thanksgiving jawn - Questions, NE1?

So, it's Turkey time! I don't know about y'all, but I am SO looking forward to entering a tryptophan-induced coma I'm beside myself. So in honor of the upcoming holiday - Questions, Courtesy of Chick Chat:

Thanksgiving...

1. Is It Really All About The Bird?:
Er, it's 50% bird, 40% side dishes, and 10% dessert.

2. Plain Mashed Potato's or With Gravy?:
taters, smaters - give me the dressing, moist, with a side of gravy...yum.

3. White Meat or Dark Meat?:
depends. MY turkey is ALWAYS moist - so anything goes. However, my Aunt Lucille's dry-a$$ turkey? You'd be lucky to choke down a thigh smothered in gravy. Matter of fact, just give me some ham instead...

4. Apple Pie or Pumpkin Pie?:
okokok - I did NOT make up this list. Again, no question I gotta go off the list - SWEET POTATO. Or how's about Piccadilly's Red Velvet Cake? Yes, I know about their Special Collard Greens, but no one makes red velvet cake like Piccadilly - NO ONE. ok, now that I think about it - maybe I can make it myself...blech.

5. Green Bean Casserole A Do or A Don't?:
Hell to the naw - don't even think about it - HUGE don't. Now, Broccoli Casserole is a different story...

The best part of this year's Thanksgiving Celebration though? I'M NOT COOKING!!!! WOO-HOO!!! <singing> It's party time, whoa it's party time...having a party...uh-c'mon!<end singing>
Note: if you can name the song that lyric is from, and the artist - I'll send you a Platinum Hip-Hop Fan Hall of Fame card ;-)

But back on topic - The Chaos is having the festivities at her crib. For those who don't know, the Chaos is my 20-yr old baby. My admission price? My momma's famous Mac & Cheese. This recipe is dangerous. It has broken up families, as the men of other households passed up firsts of their wives mac & cheese for seconds of mom's. Fights have broken out over the last corner of the pan, and one of my friends called me to complain that her brother ate a half a pan of it for breakfast one morning - cold.

So, a couple pans of the dangerous mac & cheese, and I don't have to clean the kitchen after the thanksgiving hurricane? No prob - it's so ON!

Ok, post your answers, or add some questions - or have a turkey sammich with me!

weekend update - the baker's dozen

Baker's Dozen: a golden weekend. From KB's

Bakers Dozen.

1. SG b-day jumpoff @ Churchill Grounds:: perfect 4 the cigar & cognac crowd, and a very nice start, where Mia & I met...


2. Z, the jr arms dealer::ok, he says he's a pedicatrician, but he's all of 22. Yeah, right.


3. the Black Amex?:: another attendee spots the legendary Centurion when Z, and his boys Z & Ali buy us a double-round. So Z, where did u say u were staying, again?


4. the crowd:: SG, and his ONE boy, and a gang of 15 beautiful women, of varying sexual orientation. Hm, I'm sensing a set-up here by SG...


5. the after-party:: E calls me away from the hotel lobby, needing a ride to work, which ends up (methinks) being a bail-out


6. the hang-over:: actually, I head to class still a lil tipsy, and actually understand (fer a change) what da hell my prof is talking about.


7. try to study, and recover, for...


8. SG b-day party, part deaux:: and there's PORN on a big screen? i'm an open-minded person, and to each her own, but this is too much for even me.


9. ...the spread is cool, music is nice, and the drinks are flowing though, however...


10. the crowd:: SG, and his FOUR boys, and a gang of 15+ beautiful women (and climbing), of varying sexual orientation. Hm, I'm sensing a theme here...


11. the kicker:: when one sista comments that the actress on the big screen is doing a "much more thorough job than she did in that last movie?", I'm done. I'm out before the party REALLY jumps off.


12. the Black Blogger meetup:: I get to meet EJ of ejflavors in person. I'm SO glad, he's very cool, and has the most beautiful eyes. But he's also blogwise, and gives me some hints, like starting my own Bloglines. We agree to meetup again...

Overall, I'm exhausted...was up til 4am washing the cigar smoke outta my hair, and then spent the morning reconnecting with an old friend. Overall, it was definitely one of them golden ones...

eta:: oh yeah, Anthony David was at Javaology during the Black Blogger meetup too...love his music, btw...

that moment

If
I
had
Known
That it would
Be the ending of
Our friendship and not
The beginning of something else
I would never have should
never have acquiesced
and I wish I could
take it back
but I
can’t
can
I
?

the grad school mood is...

tired.

period.

I mean, I know I'm the last of a dying breed - a programmer. If you believe the reports, the days of the U.S. programmer are numbered.

So the MBA plan:: combine the IT skills, my management experience - do some consulting work, leverage both into project management position. You get the drill.

I've lost the lust for school, though.

The candle isn't just burned at both ends - it's melted.

...headed for bed, ma head hurtz...

weekend update

I ripped this from Off Cloud 9 - Karsh's blog - thanx Karsh for the inspiration.

So, here's the rundown (can I come up with 12? sheesh...)

1. Sale at LB, so I polished off the Churchill Grounds outfit for Friday, and also managed to sweat out my press during work. 1/2 fro, 1/2 press is not a hot look for me.


2. Another class bites the dust. The Marketing class, of the gold stars & bonus points for attendance is outta here - dropped it like it's hot. As an aside, I'm completely bored in my classes...


3. Played hooky, and pressed my hair, and cleaned house to prep for...


4. DS's social event of the week - his classmate's Spongebob b-day party. Only the classmate's mom couldn't afford Spongebob. And a tree tipped over & knocked out her power. Not that that stopped the kids from having fun - we danced to our own songs, and butterfly candlelight until the DS passed out.


5. Interesting convo w/ another mom at the party. Her, seeing the ride, the hair, the gear, thinking I have always had some $$$. Me, feeling her being a transplant like me, struggling like I did, kicking herself over spilt milk. We agreed, all it takes is a plan...we exchanged numbers, and hopes for the future. I hope we get a chance to hang out again.


6. Breakfast with Eon:: had to add emphasis, because this is my FAM, and we rarely have a chance to hang these days. Breakfast @ my spot, overindulging in enuff hash browns, and cheese eggs to put down a wild boar. Meanwhile, the convo, touching on politricks, whether the revolution is being televised, how the fate of the AA community rests on our (as indvs) ability to build, educational & economic empowerment, the merits of marriage, the damage that the free-love 60's and swinging 70's have done to the AA community, the lack of recovery from those eras due to Reagonomics and the crack epidemic, where/how do we go from here, relationships, sex, *dead*. I wish y'all were there - we prolly have forgotten more already, than we typically discuss with our friends the rest of the month. I love that dude SO MUCH.


7. Debated creating a meetup - Coffee & Conversation - inviting other like-minded folks to join in our debates. E says the problem ain't finding folks - it's finding like-minded folks. I'm still toying with the idea.


8. Half-a$$ house-hunting. I wasn't gonna post about this, but any advice from Atliens might be helpful. I drove around, came across Cascade Parc (slated to begin construction Jan, 2005). I'll post about this later, but if anyone has leads on intown living for reasonable $$$ - HOLLA!!!


9. Toyed with the idea of online dating again - and, er NO. It ain't for me. I've been dealing with too many knuckle-heads I've met online for too long - no more settling for BS.


10. LOL - checked myself about the relationship, dating thing. Was chatting with BSG, doling out some self-righteous sage advice, and thought - duh, you need to practice what u preach. It's time for a new position. So long blackfolksgetdeygrooveon.com, hello Starbuck's, Whiskey Peach, Soul Fusion, Live Poet's events, the High, et al. Real Life Social Life, NE1?


11. Talked to JC - totally unsatisfying as usual. He's been MIA for about 3 weeks now. Oh well. I'm expecting some negativity behind this comment...lol.


12. New episode of The Wire, and it's the pre-Set-Shyt-Off, episode. Note:: spoiler follows. Stringer & Avon go at it, Stringer did D'Angelo (had him done rather). MAN. I missed the last 2 minutes reeling from the news. I can't take it. I LOVE this show.

BTW, if y'all saw what happened after Stringer finally let Avon get up - Holla at Ya Girl, please!

about that guillotine...

Ok, so I gave y'all the setup, but just in case ya missed it - work, the intro.

There was a reason why I used this phrase: pulled out the guillotine and cut the head off a long-time-but-not-yet-qualified-for-retirement-benefits employee. That employee called me this evening.

The situation: I work in an IT department, consisting of mainly Programmers, Quality Assurance Analysts, Business Analysts (technical writers), etc. So, this employee was formerly a programmer. To make the long story short, he transferred in to my department from a location in another city. He'd been with the company 6 yrs, needed 4 to retire, and has 2 boys in college that are benefiting from company-sponsored scholarships.

SO...w/in say 2 months of transferring into our department, it becomes apparent that there's a problem. A disconnect. This dude is having problems programming. For the über-geeky, his background is in C, on mainframes, and we're a strictly Java shop.

They try to work with the guy, classes, tutorials, one-on-one mentoring. It ain't working - he's not getting it. For about 6-7 months, not only is he not getting it, but slowly it's apparent - this kid ain't that geeky. Lil simple things come up - how to change your browser settings, how to edit your host settings, how to ping a server - nothing. He's a bit clueless. I attribute it to him working on mainframes, but still - it looks bad.

Well, it was worse than we all thought. After one less-than-stellar-performing employee asked & got x-ferred to another group, and this guy's performance evaluation comes out bad - this guy thinks maybe he needs to make a change. He approaches management to x-fer to a less technical position.

So far, the whole thing, seems, well - reasonable. He's provided the company with some kinda value for 6 years, and his sincere intention is to continue to provide value.

Here's where the guillotine comes out.

His boss dodges the bullet - goes on vacation before they can address his problem.

Then, the department head - who for all intents & purposes is a pretty mild-mannered guy - turns into a shark. Not only do they say no to the x-fer, but they give him an ultimatum: Learn Java or Die! Okokok, it wasn't THAT deep. But it was Learn Java & improve your performance eval, or get fired.

Now, the sneaky part. They tell the guy verbally that if he resigns he's eligible for unemployment. But if he's fired, then well....you get the idea, right?

They give him until the end of the week - remember, his boss is still on vacation. Can he wait until the boss gets back? NO.

So, out of frustration, back against wall - he quits. Signs the voluntary resignation, and w/in the hour - he's the newest member of our department's Witness Protection Program.

Back to tonight's call, he needs the boss's cell phone number, because he just got a letter from the Department of Labor - No Unemployment Benefits For You! Seems the dept is saying he quit - voluntarily - when there was suitable work for him (take a peek at page 7).

The whole shyt pissed me off - they did the guy dirty, yanno? I mean, I realize it was a "business decision, based on a business need", but I have also seen plenty of folks get kicked into admin positions on programmers salaries to keep them from having to leave. This guy wanted to work - just couldn't. They intentionally misled him to get him to quit when they told him he could collect unemployment, which just sticks in my craw. Him being from outta state (actually, I'm sure he's from outside the country) - he prolly knew little about Georgia being an "At-Will" state.

And as I type, I'm thinking - Big Bro is prolly watching, and this blog just got more dangerous. And more interesting. ;-)

SG's BACK!

Have you ever cleaned out your closet, and found a gem that you'd overlooked for a long time? I did - found a teal twin sweater set that I haven't worn in 2+ years, that matched this TIGHT brown tweed suit I have perfectly.

Ok, I am SO not digressing - my life-philosophy is of the Fashion existentialist: "I dress my a$$ off, therefore I am. So, there are a lot of fashion references - sue me.

Well, I was cleaning my daughter Chaos' closet - and came across some Aggie gear - NCA&T t-shirt and sweatshirt that belonged to SG. Since I knew the Chaos would end up throwing it away, I gave him a shout.

Surprisingly (or not - since I cut his trifling butt off for violating the Playa's credo by calling me at 3AM for some booty - I, being his play-sista was NOT havin' it), SG was happy to hear from me, and invited me to his 30-something b-day bash at Churchill Grounds, Friday the 19th if y'all are interested in attending. Now, don't get it twisted - SG is still SG. This was proven not only by his romantic status (still an unremittant bachelor), but by the fact that he went to MY Yahoo personals profile, and commented on how much I made:

SG: Yeah, I didn't know you were balling like that.
ME: Hunh?
SG: I saw your profile, and was like, daaaammmnnnn.....!!!!
ME: Oh hell naw, what profile are you talking about? I know I didn't put my real salary up there....dang
SG: Oh yeah you did...you better watch out...some brother is gonna see that and go "KA-CHING!"
ME: (thinking, you're prolly one of the rare ones that is thinking that...lol) Let me HURRY UP and take my income down if that's the case, 'cause lawd knows I ain't trying to be anyone's sugar mama.

Now, his gigolo tendencies aside, I did miss him. He was like, the brother I never had. Sympatico, with a penchant for good food, good wine, good times, and boughetto-ness that only another boughetto sista like me could appreciate. I'm looking forward to hanging with him.

And to anyone that asks - no, we ain't did the horizontal mambo, and we ain't gonna do the horizontal mambo. He's got more notches in his headboard than I care to recant, and I ain't trying to be one of them. If you think you're woman enuff to tame SG - holla at him yo damn self - ain't hookin up ISH so you can cry on my shoulder later...lol.

On work - the intro

I have hesitated for months about posting about work, because honestly - I ain't trying to go out like Michael Hanson & the Microsoft jawn. I'm thinking Microsoft is a misnomer.

And not that work defines me, but we spend SO much time there, and exert So much energy to collect them checks...how can I not occasionally post about it?

So, here's the intro - and here's hoping that my employer (who shall for the moment remain nameless - our stock prices are too high for me to divulge the name right now...lol) is, er - either blog-friendly, or blog ign'ant.

I'm a Programmer for a Fortune 100 in Atlanta. Right'ch now I'm working in Java. For the über-geeky, I'm working in J2EE, using the MVC, in an architecture that resembles Struts, but isn't strictly Struts. I used to develop content - HTML - not that you can tell from THIS layout, but I've been transitioning into straight application development for the last year. I used to want to be a Java-Warrior Princess, but then Struts smacked me in the face, and made me realize that those Hello World progamlettes I wrote in college don't have shyt to do with real applications. Oh well.

Note:: secretly, I still think I'm gonna be the Warrior-princess. One day very soon.

Ok, back to the reason for this post. I work for a Corporation that has a widely respected corporate culture - highly regarded, and with a rich history. Textbooks cases are written about the founder's management style, and the values inherent in my co's culture.

<sigh>

I hate my job.

Well, not always - but most of the time. And not so much the Corp, but the department I work in, management team, and the fact that (their) ultimate power (has) corrupt(ed them). And I hate it for those reasons typical to most warped power environments - the rampant nepotism, the ass-kissing, the politics, the constant insults to my intelligence ("no, we're not outsourcing - we'd never do that...", but what difference does it make, when none of our consultants are U.S. citizens?), the written in pencil policies (you know, they change according to whether you have favored employee status...) - just typical BS.

But I love what I do. And they pay me well.

Part of me is like - go, grasshoppper. Go and be happy. The other part is like, embrace the evil you know, as opposed to confronting the evil you have yet to meet...MUAH-HA-HA-HAAAA-HAAA-HA!!!

I have GOT to work on my evil laugh.

Anywayz, I keep the Monster resume up-to-date, and enabled - just in case a HOTTER, BETTER PAYING GIG comes along. Yeah, nice - I'm at a point where I'm thinking that job will come knocking on my door, and have the handsome prince, and castle lined up right behind it. Surreee...

Meanwhile - I'm working the MBA plan, thinking about teaching, consulting, changing careers completely.

The department hooch made a comment the last time the company pulled out the guillotine and cut the head off a long-time-but-not-yet-qualified-for-retirement-benefits employee: "it's probably best that they fired him, since it was obvious he wasn't happy here anyway". How friggin magnanimous of you - dude is 4 yrs from his benefits, but it's prolly best that he won't get them AND he & his family are losing their sole source of income - nice.

All this to say - the book that I will one day write about this place - would make Office Space seem like a comedy - oh, it WAS a comedy, my bad.

So, in an effort to post more regularly - I'm opening up (someone said I keep too much stuff close to the vest) and introducing you to my gig, and its cast of characters. And if you happen across a java development position... ;-)

mid-life crisis?

I wanted to drop something real hot/profound about the election, the political process, the hypocrisy ingrained in American culture, classism v. racism, etc. However, I'm feeling rather self-involved of late.

I feel like a monster.

I've been feeling fat and ugly lately. Like I hate looking in the mirror. Not feeling my hair, not feeling my face, not feeling the wardrobe, nuttin. After aggressively going after my facial hair, I thought I'd feel better by now.

Here's how this (sorta) began:: after that initial visit, Travis, my aesthetician (who is a sweetheart) suggested I try some products to help the skin around the facial hair recover from all the damage I've done. I'm thinking YES! I can have better looking skin. So we've been experimenting with products, trying to get the "right' combination.

The (desired)result: My skin is cracking and peeling. BADLY. I look like Goldmember from the Austin Powers movie, and the temptation to keep the dead skin in a box that I can occasionally dip into, to grab a piece & nibble on isn't there AT ALL - but I feel just as creepy. I have facial dandruff (go on & laugh...if it wasn't me, it would be hilarious).

At any given time, I've got dead skin on my face, clothes, in my hair, etc.The new skin is pink. I'm brown - chocolatey at that. Big pink splotches on my cheeks aren't a good look for me - so now I'm feeling MJ and the vitiligo. The bags & circles under my eyes are more pronounced, since I've been burning the candles at both ends, and since my cheeks are pink.

Travis, (bless his heart, because I have been bugging the CRAP outta him about this) with all the patience he can muster, says "thing is sweety, that's what your skin is supposed to be doing. The skin underneath all the peeling is looking really good, so the products are working. Be patient honey - this is the part of Extreme Makeover they don't show..."

I'm trying, really. And not for anything, but I truly didn't know I was this shallow, or obsessed with my appearance. But when the skin looks REALLY bad, I haven't wanted to go outside - not to work, not to class, nowhere. I feel like I suddenly look about 50.

As I'm writing this, I am literally thinking "now you have really lost your mind. The last thing you need is to open yourself up to have some internet stranger validate your thinking by simply saying 'you're not the most attractive woman I've seen...'".

Oh well, maybe someone out there will get something out of this.

In the meantime, I managed to piss the maintenance man completely off by cancelling a last-minute date we had. Inconsiderate, yes. Inconsiderate to the point where you have to go off on me twice? Nah, I don't think so. So, lacking any empathy there (I mean, after all he IS the maintenance dude - why would I get any empathy?), after the second time, I figured this is God's way of telling me that I need to let that go, so I let that go. I do hope he finds whomever he's looking for.

And as for me, I gave myself a mini-extreme makeover: Straightened my hair, but some new makeup, etc. After a trip to the manicurist tomorrow, maybe I can then work on getting my head right.

Oh, and the consensus of my friends: It's not nearly as bad as i think.

If anyone out there reads this (and yes, I know this is shallow and prolly NOT what I need), can you send a super-fine brotha my way to fawn all over me? My ego needs stroking.

ETA:: Ok, yes - it is deeper than that. Grad school is intermittently overwhelming, work has been stressing me. Java-warrior has turned into a data monkey. My old boss took me to lunch, and gave me a really - I mean REALLY meaningful talk. It really helped - crystallized & validated some of my feelings, and he even empathized with the overwhelming feelings I've been feeling. And my support groups - friends - have all lauded me for the discipline I've shown towards school.

But at 3am? I just want to be held, want someone to say "I got you", tell me I'm pretty, intelligent, and ...yes....worthy.

You know your self-esteem is shot to all hell when: You look longingly at drag-queens, wishing to be that feminine AND fierce

Nuff said - I'm going to inhale enuff again.

BS Line of The Week

Note: I like My 100 Things so much, I intentionally left it up for a long time. I'm gonna have to redesign this jawn, to add that as a permanent link. In any event...

School is kicking my a$$ - for real. I'm fairly intelligent, and between the exhaustive reading/research, and papers - I'm baked. Brain is fried, and I'm having trouble remembering anything short term.

Er, what was this post about again?

Oh yeah - school. Then on top of e'erything else, what's up with my egocentric profs? It's not enuff to complete the assignments - oh hell naw. One of my profs is basing the final grade on class participation - 20%. You thinking, cool - just contribute to class discussion, and I should be cool, right?

Wrong - she's holding tardiness and absenteeism against us. WTF - am I in elementary school? The quote that ends up being the BS Line for This Week: "I'm rewarding those who show their dedication to the classroom experience by getting to class on time..." Like we're just blowing HER off because we feel like it...her class is our only class, and we're just students, with no other obligations...geez.

I considered a pre-emptive grade strike - voice my complaint to the dean that this is some ole BS, just in case I get less than an A in this class, but nah - I'mma play by her rules, kiss a$$,bring her an apple, be a good student - then nail her in the evals at the end of the semester.

Hm, maybe I'm taking this too personally...lol.